I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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