Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
