my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
