I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
