If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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