And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize