It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
