You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
