doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you will always have a special place in my vag
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
