New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
