Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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