Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
