Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
