I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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