And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
