Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
