Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize