You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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