Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
