dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
