Rock
Scissors
Fuck
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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