so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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