I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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