I wish my penis had an off switch
if only i could text you this smell
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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