I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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