What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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