he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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