I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
