I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize