so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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