goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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