When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
