seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
