This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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