You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
