I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so let's talk penis.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
