Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
