I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
