oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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