I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
