I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
