He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
