Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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