yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
