So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
