I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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