so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
