I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
