dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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