This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
