I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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