a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
