You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
even my farts smell like vagina
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
