hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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