Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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