We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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