I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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