wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just googled if crying burns calories
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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