I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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