Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize