My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
