An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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