Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
