I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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